/-Xodus-/

I’ve been sitting here for the past 20mins doing nothing, but just trying to figure out what exactly is my life purpose now. And it surprised myself that I couldn’t answer the question I posed to myself. I think I actually don’t know myself as well as I really think I do. It seems that I keep setting hoops for myself to jump through in the form of new goals new goals new goals and new goals. I achieve them achieve them achieve them achieve them achieve them.. and yet I ain’t happy. When i accomplish something, there no longer is that sense of satisfaction, and I’ve no idea why I feel that way. I just wanna move on to the next objective.

Today perfectly sums up what I’ve been through. May be it is the effect of boredom on me, but I doubt so. I believe it is a realization that my biggest fear has came through, that my current life is in static. I keep trying to set my self hoops to jump through, like earn X amount of money get Y item and feel happy. God damnit I felt nothing when I received the moolahs last month. I picked up my electric guitar today hoping to find some comfort in may be playing some soulful music. I’ve always felt music is the most beautiful language on earth, and it is able to stir so much wonderful emotions that words can’t. But all I felt today was frustration as I played the guitar. I then realised, that listening and apprecaite music is  one thing, but playing is another. And I feel so stupid for realizing that only now.

I no longer know what I want in life and that thought scares me. I think I have been using money as a way to fill the void within me these 2 years and I am starting to see cracks in this plan. I realised how disconnected I am from the people who care about me, I probably no most people better than they know me because I almost never ever show my true self to people. I feel vulnerable doing so. But as a result I realised I have lost my soul, I am nothing but an empty capsule who has no real objectives. Starting a team has failed, the guitar dosen’t sound like the song of angels to me any more. Nothing seems to be going right.

I just want to wake up 1 year later. Fuck this shit.

I never thought this day will be here so soon. 28 January marks the official end of an era, as one of the core members of 7eam.Lachrymose enters National Service. It’s just like yesterday we were at the peak of our game, playing in the GXL league.

Oh, the old guard. Aw “Kironaku” Wee Yong will enter NS on Wednesday, with Ron “hypor” Yeo not far behind him. And although we no longer play any competetive games as a team, it’s just hard to believe that place where you used to belong and feel siginificant as a teenager is gone. I’m almost 20, and I think computer games are just pixels and a waste of time. I’ve seen through that, but it still saddens me to know that it was all over so soon. It’s like the blink of an eye, the team fell from grace, from all the practices and late nights on school nights, staying up till 5am at CRC and talking to people in 7-11 who  told the story of the robbery night before. It’s kinda over. And it’s still a little hard to believe it is.

For all the hard work we put in, it’s kinda good to know we only lost a single game in the 1st three rounds. And I assure you, when we were playing Dust2 on the first round, when I clutched a 1v3, the feeling was incredible when you won the round, and your teammates gave a triumph roar after holding their breath for 1 min and 10 secs. It felt good.

Years on, O levels, A levels caught up with us. And finally National Service. But we still do out of this world things together and enjoy one another’s company. I’ve always said this team played a huge part in shaping me to be who the person I am. Much of my confidence and ability to socialise came from such jokers on the team. Although I know, there will be times in the future we will still come together, it sucks to know that your teammates won’t be around ALL the time you know? Like you could have a bad day at work and you need some relief, but it sucks that we could no longer hangout whenever we want. And when I head off to a distant land it will be even harder to keep in touch and do the things we used to do when we were much younger. - Hence, the end of an era.

You know, it’s strange how fast humans change. One of my best friends, and when I mean absolutely best friends, it’s the blood brother kind, seems unrecognisable to me nowadays. One year can totally change a person beyond recognition. I am starting to see a great shift in people as they enter tertiary education and NS, and I am rediscovery new friends and losing old ones because of that. Quite an eye opener. Recently, I just realised I’ve passed judgement too quickly on an acquaintance I’ve known for quite some time. Lesson to be learnt: Always believe in only what you see, not what you year. Because, my image of the person is basically already established eons ago my rumours and unconfirmed verbal comments from close friends of mine. But the paticular person proved me wrong. It wasn’t obvious, but I have a knack for picking up small details of a person.

And partly because of this incident, I am starting to believe again. That you know, certain people ain’t so bad and beyong salvation. Something I’ve lost the year my A levels ended. I am a little fearful and yet excited to explore this new feeling.

So I’ve been going on for quite some time, and I think the most important thing to say at this time of the year is, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR. Although, alot people would agree that this year, CNY is a bit disappointing. Well for me, I found myself having to go through the agonising social occasions when we hang out with cousins who we have drifted far apart from. You know, once again change in humans temper with many things. I used to get along with all my cousins on good terms, on all levels, but I realised that as people grow older we like to build fences around ourselves. When interacting, we do see the fences, and I guess that brings a little akwardness to the interaction.

I might have actually found that source of kindness I once thought did not exist in humans. And that gives me tons of hope.

To all female bloggers, please for the love of god, stop signing off all your posts with XOXOXO <insert awesome name>. YOU ARE NOT GOSSIP GIRL. STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.

On 2 Feb, at 0600 I will be reporting to Mt. Elizabeth for an operation on my femur bone. Strange how fast things took place at the specialist’s clinic today. “When do you want to do the OP, we could do it as early as tomorrow”  The specialist asked me. You know, it got me wondering, that people who are about to pass away will do anything to be asked that question. When would you wanna do your final operation. When do you wanna pass away.

It’s like, they should be given time for closure before they finally resign their life to the hands of fate. I chose to do my OPs after 8 days into CNY, because I thought that would be sufficient to hang out with everybody significant before i go into recuperation mode after my OPs.

The hospital is a very depressing place, everything is white and it’s serious. Realise you don’t ever see much colours in the hospital ? But something really simple yet beautiful made my day today. You know how when u bump into kids, like u know 8 year old kinda kids, you apologize and usually they just look away and turn to their parents out of shyness perhaps. I was carrying my bag and my X-ray films when i was taking the lift up to the 14th floor of Mt. E and I accidentally bumped into this girl around the height of my waist and I looked down and said sorry and her reaction surprised me. She looked up, beamed at me and opened those big black eyes, and said “it’s okay!” and that made me and my mum both laugh. To be honest, she sorta reminded me of “HER” when I was in sec 2. Wierd huh.

2 weeks to live a normal life.

Come tomorrow, I think I will have the verdict on the bone on my right thigh. It still seems surreal that I have to enter the operation theatre again for the 2nd time in my life since my OP when i was age 2. To be honest, I am a little nervous about knowing I have to breathe that sweet smelling gas to doze off to unconsciousness like I used to do when I was really young. My mum used to tell me that, when I was 2 and when we are on the expressway to the hospital, she said I sorta will know I am about go through hell again and start crying insanely loud.

Life is so strange at times. Sometimes the things you wish for really really come true, and this operation is a little like a blessing in disguise I guess. I guess secretly, I’ve been wanting something like this to happen to take the monotony away in life. Sure there’s a price to pay, but still, it’s something different.

It feels good to be free again you know. And i something thing it is the greatest thing in life to be a nomad, with no responsibilites and no one to answer to. I might just get all I ever wanted for this these 2 years,  in the next week.  <3 2009.

I finally figured out why I’ve been writing entries and then deleting them after I was about to hit published. I had no sense of inner peace at all over the past weeks, I guess deep down I was worried about my UCAS application. I tried not to think about it, but I guess there’s no lying to the heart is there. Now that everything is resolve, my application is 100% confirmed to be processed I could finally relax, and not worry the whole “Oops, I lost your transcripts” thing might happen again. And it feels good to have your thought flows again. I reckon my subconscious thanked me as well, because last night was probably the best quality of sleep I had in a long while.

A short 5 hours sleep from 1-6 had me waking up feeling strangely refreshed and rejuvenated, I guess it is true that when there are teams bogging you down, quality of sleep drops. And as I stepped out of my condo I felt the gust of wind brings along with it, hope. Knowing that I am one step close to my dream makes me fill instantly with joy although I know it will be another LONG day at work. Somehow there’s a buzz my guts that tells me this time, I will get what I want. And that the way I’ve been picturing how my room will look like will materialise.

By the way, Taylor Swift’s new album “Fearless” is really incredible, I haven’t felt this in love with an album since  “American Idiot”, she’s only 18 but the country-pop songs she churn out comes across as really mature with meaningful lyrics, unless those Lindsay Lohan Britney kinda teen-pop songs.

Music does make the world go round. You can be a convict, a drug addict, a genius, a rocket scientist, but you will definitely feel something when you hear a good piece of music. And I think that’s something really amazing. Considering we have five senses, the sense of hearing is the one that is able to speak directly with our soul.

I am sorta rooting for One Tree Hill’s lead female role, Peyton. I seldom feel so attached to drama shows, but she had this line that gave me a moment of clarity. “I hope my music matters and changes someone’s life”. And I think that’s a really noble cause, something as simple as a series of musical notes strung together can achieve the effect of lifting someone from the abyss of depression.

TGIF beckons as I blog. I really need some awesome food. <3

You know karma is a funny thing. What goes around tends to come around. In the past me and my friends always joked about the bone defect of my leg, saying it will come in handy when I am playing street soccer and if i ever get into a street fight.

Strange thing is, I woke up on Saturday morning with a red mark on the skin where the extra bone on my right thigh grows. It’s like those crop circles kinda thing because the circle was like a perfect circle. And I felt my leg a little stiff, and true enough my doctor told me, I might need to operate to remove the extra bone since its becoming a hindrance. And I thought about it for a while, and I realised that might actually mean I might not get to do sports for quite some time, and soccer used to be a big part of my life when I was much younger.

However, I guess the operation will break up the monotony of my life, which I think has just reached a whole new epic level. I woke up today, Mnday morning, wondering how the hell my weekend went by so fast. I had completely no recollection how time went by so fast. As compared to the five days which so agonisingly crawled by inch by inch. Every min you were simply waiting for the TGIF moment, where you can head out and yell HELL YEA IT’S FRIDAY. And before you know it, you are in a cab home at 4am collapsing onto your bed and the moment’s gone. It wasn’t like that in school. I guess because you had a sense of accomplisment that validated the idea that “your weekend was spent fruitfully”. E.g. you might have wrote the final report for your research paper, finished up your chem tutorials, or caught up with topics that you were lagging behind with. Something concrete.

The bright side is that, you’ve no idea how fast your month pass as well. I checked the calendar today to find out that 10 days have passed in this new year, and it was just like yesterday when we count down to the new year.

I was on the bus this morning, and I looked at all the ah peis sleeping, and I realised I could relate to them on a certain level. You can’t escape time, there’s no other dimensions other than time and space, at least not that we know off. And it sucks. They can’t escape old age. Nor can I escape my last year of degradation.

I was listening to Within Temptation’s new album today, and man does it suck. One hit-wonder with “Ice Queen” much? You know when I was young and into symphonic metal, Within Temptation was a band only known in metal underground. But I think commercialisation has destroyed great bands like WT. They play frigging pop-metal now and that style sucks, because they conform to what the majority wants. Same goes for nightwish, started off great with Tarja singing epic metal anthems like over the hills and faraway. But they decided to cut Tarja for a female artist who could never have Tarja’s range to hit those insanely high notes. They churned out an album that was once again “pop styled”. Cliche lyrics about emo love and all the kinda shit. Man things have really changed. Seems just yesterday, I moved into my current condo and was listening to nightwish avidly then.

Oh well enough ranting, back to 9 hours of being an ordinary person.

Come two more days, I will pass the 1 year mark of this run on the hamster wheel. 50%, I’ve come so far. Yet, the other 50% seems so distant.

I was lying in bed watching one tree hill last night and watching OTH episodes on my widescreen, to be honest it’s more comfortable then watching on the computer chair. But that’s nt the point. The point is i was watching the show till 6am, and normally I would be kinda glad I am watching the show since I am rather hooked. But then it struck me it isn’t normal for people to watch dramas on friday night till 6am when dawn breaks. Most people go to classes on Sat, or do something adventurous you know. And for once I felt as if I am rotting away. And that thought scares me. Imagine being stagnant for two years, with no real progression. And imgine on your death bed, you are told you are given two more years to live your life. That two years w ill suddenly become a big deal to you.

I was thinking about some stuff yesterday. A close friend of mine had a really big row with his family and led to him storming out of the house at 1am to seek refuge elsewhere. You know some people can be really sweet and nice people, but they all choose not to show that side of them to their family. And I think its a big pity.

You know I can always play my trump card. I could easily go for an operation to fast foward time. But I’m not sure if it’s worth it. But at this point in time, man that option looks so tempting.

For once I would agree being judgemental might be wrong. Remember those dumb essays you wrote when you were in jc about racism and passing judgement etc etc. Well, I sorta see the point of being non-judgemental now. I admit, I can be a real jerk. I would pass judgement on someone within 10mins of interacting with him or her, and did I make a big mistake.

And only this year I realised I’ve been a real dick for the past 5 years to someone fiercely loyal. And my 2009 is already off to a great start!

My parents are overseas like AGAIN. Which reminds me, I have to groccery shop for some waffles, ice cream and maple syrup. I love shopping alone at times seriously. It’s therapeutic to know you have the power to do something you like, even if it’s as simple as like making ice cream waffles for supper.

7 hours 30mins to freedom for now. Now, that dosen’t seem that long does it?

(:

So after all the hype I’ve been hearing about Timbre @ Old School on Mount Sophia, I headed down there finally. Now, let me start with how to get there. You can either choose to walk 20mins in a big circle, taking a left turn after parklane, then another left when u have the chance. OR you can do what me and my buddy did. Climb 147 steps of stairs.

Now, if you are heading there with a lady friend, or in my case a lady-bro, do not make the same mistake as me. Remind them not to wear skirts and heels for dinner. Or there will be hell to pay when u climb the 147 steps of stairs up and then down again :D

Worth it? Hell yea. The fact that this Timbre outlet is located on Mount Sophia, behind the condos near Plaza Sing, makes it on a relatively higher altitude. And the benefit is, when night falls, the sunsets, omg is it windy. And it’s the cool breeze kinda thing, coupled with Timbre’s outdoor style Al-fresco setting makes a really good ambience. Now, Timbre @ Arthouse was v well designed. I liked the concept of the sofas and the bar being blended together in this sorta Bali-style kinda thing. Old School wasn’t exactly Bali, but it had the same feel.

The food was just as great as the normal outlets, the Hawaiian Pizza was just heavenly, and so were the drinks. Even simple things like an Ice lemon tea and Cranberry Juice were very well done. The crowd wasn’t as packed as like that of Substation nor Arthouse, so if you are like those clubby clubby need a night life kinda person, you might not like the peace and tranquility of Old School.

But if you are like me, who wants to unwind afterwork to good live music and good food and drinks, its an ideal place. Mainly because of how the live music is more acoustic style compared to rock and roll of arthouse, and you could carry out conversations without raising your voice even while the music is playing. Something you might have to do at other outlets. I also noticed the crowd is a little older, more of the 23+ age croup kinda thing. But like I said, the place is surreal for relaxing. It’s like you are no longer in Singapore for a moment. The windy breeze and husky voice of the female lead singer made the night. The highlight had to be when me and my buddy were racking our brains over what song to dedicate considering the singer had a husky coarse kinda voice. And I dedicated Jewel’s “You Were Meant For Me” which she sang really well.

All in all, I had a blast and I think Timbre @ Old School might be one of my favourite weekdays hangout in the future. For weekends, like Friday’s I might prefer a little more noise at Timbre @ Art House.

Next stop, Loof!